Our expectations shape our experiences. And it’s no different with the transition to motherhood. Quite naturally, we make up stories in our minds about what the birth will be like, what life with a newborn will feel like, often based on what we’ve heard and seen around us: in our family of origin, our friendship groups, on social media.
When reality doesn't align with these expectations, we blame ourselves. Feelings of failure or inadequacy can create an unhealthy mental loop that prevents mothers from enjoying those precious moments with their baby. Research shows that in some cases this can lead to higher levels of stress, anxiety and depression after birth.
So what can we do to manage our expectations when we become a mother?
We ditch the all or nothing statements.
What stories and beliefs do we have about birth and motherhood? Here are some of the common ones:
Often, “all or nothing” statements don’t leave any room for possibilities. Once we have listed our expectations, the next step is to go through them and assess whether they are realistic or not, and what other possibilities may be available to us. This is a practice in flexibility, a quality that is golden in this phase of our life.
We prepare to support flexible thinking and identify what is important to you.
This may sound counterintuitive - how can we prepare for something we have no certainty about? Well, preparation, understood correctly, is actually what can support flexible thinking.
Dr Alexandra Sacks, a reproductive psychiatrist, says when you become a mother, one of the biggest adjustments is to the new level of uncertainty in your life. Even as you gain expertise and comfort, nothing will be predictable.
We often remind our clients that investing in preparation with a birth and postpartum plan is one of the most powerful things they can do to support their needs as a new mother.
Don’t get us wrong: preparing in this way won’t give you more control over the outcome or protect you from challenges or setbacks. Instead, when you are doing a birth plan and postpartum plan, you are giving some thought to your options, to what’s important to you and what’s not, so that when you’re faced with the unexpected, there are things you can do, people you can call on, to support you. You are gathering knowledge and tools so you can feel steady even when you go through the storms of motherhood, and as you learn to live with a higher level of uncertainty.
We ditch perfection. Be the 'Good Enough' Mother.
Perfectionism often underlies our need for control and the high standards we set for ourselves as new mothers. Although we won’t be measured against our ability to keep our home tidy while sleep deprived, somehow we put pressure on ourselves to live up to these ideals that do not serve us and do not serve our baby.
Donald Winnicott, a psychoanalyst and paediatrician, coined the term “good enough mother” to remind us that we do not need to be a perfect mother. Our children benefit, over time, from learning that it’s ok to make mistakes and repair them. This is how they can become resilient and well-adjusted to this imperfect world they’re being brought up in.
We find that coming back to a beginner’s mind is a supportive way to approach our transition into motherhood: we are starting something new and it is not healthy to expect ourselves to be good at it straight away. If it helps, we suggest reflecting on times when we did something we had never done before: what did we find supportive back then? What are the things we wish we had done differently perhaps?
If the idea of lowering your expectations or having to deal with uncertainty on the daily makes you feel anxious, please seek out the support of a trusted friend or family member, or the help of a health professional.
It is possible to step into motherhood with confidence and to feel empowered during this transition.
Authored by Elise Clement in partnership with Lowanna.
Elise Clement combines holistic psychotherapy and neuro-science based coaching to support women's mental and emotional wellbeing. She has a special interest in Matrescence and perinatal support, including all aspects of the transition to motherhood and nurturing emotional resilience during the mothering years.
If you’re interested in more in-depth postpartum planning, you may be interested in, The Birth of a Mother. You’ll learn how to take care of yourself as a new mother and manage your postpartum experience so it is the most nourishing it can be.
